Life as a grad student

I know I should feel lucky. I should feel privileged that I have had the opportunity to get a graduate education, not paid a cent to be a professional student.... but I have to admit it has been a shitty experience. Instead of saying I feel lucky to be a grad student, I can only say that I feel lucky that in about two years this part of my life will be over. My cousin asked me today what I thought about her going to graduate school-- was it worth it? did I enjoy my freedom? was school very difficult? did I feel hassled by my advisor? And I had no idea what I should say to her. Part of me wanted to encourage her to continue her education because when asked in vague and general terms, I believe that the more education a person has, the better able they are prepared to tackle the world around them. But practically speaking, I wanted to yell at her, "RUN! RUN AWAY! FUCK IT! WORK YOUR BUTT OFF AND MAKE SOME FREAKING MONEY!"

I have to say that when thinking about the job market, I am very worried. The stupid press continues to publish that the careers of the future are in education-- specifically, university level-- and that people should go back to school. Meanwhile, the university hiring-system exists in a permanent hiring freeze and very few individuals can find worthy, tenure-potential jobs. In fact, I am not even sure I will work in academia and, yet, I cannot imagine myself working in any other sphere. I am hyper-educated, and absolutely unqualified for most jobs. I am the most qualified, unqualified person I know.... well, besides other doctoral candidates.... I guess I could lie to future employers and, if you are a future employer... hire me, please!,.... but, yeah.... it has been quite an experience.

I guess, in certain ways, I am lucky. Everyone I know who was married or in serious relationships when they began grad school have lost those marriages and/or relationships. During my master's degree, I lost a love of mine, but since then I have been free and clear of any serious relationships in any shape or form. whew.... thank goodness.... uh huh, yeah. Just mindlessness and awkwardness since my entrance into serious grad school, i.e. UNC. Mindlessness and awkwardness, to say the least.

My cousin told me she just felt that grad school would be a great place for her to meet interesting people, who were articulate and sophisticated. I immediately retreated to memories of German Historians singing Nazi Anthems at a bar in Chapel Hill while laughing hysterically and completely bombed during my first year of grad school.... not articulate or sophisticated.... just stupidity, given an unfortunate and misguided sense of validity. IF YOU ARE A GERMAN HISTORIAN YOU NEVER SING NAZI ANTHEMS AND THEN LAUGH..... the holocaust is plain not funny. My response to my little cousin was, "I met one interesting person and a whole bunch of looney-tunes. The person I met was just as depressed and cynical as I and that is how we bonded. Don't go for the people, go for the work, if anything."

It is too bad that in order to be successful in grad school one must follow the great advisors, despite bad locations, rather than move to a great location and register in the local school. So many great schools exist in such horrible and isolated locations. I lost three years of my precious young life in Chapel Hill, being in Miami makes my grad school experience nominally better.... but, I am still not convinced.

I don't think I would do this again. I would get a nice, difficult (the word should be challenging.... but I am depressed and cynical so my word choice of difficult is reflective of how I see the world.... not as something to overcome, but something I am forced to deal with) job in Washington D.C. or New York and try to work my way up the ladder. I might seek a master's degree for pay reasons, but the monetary benefits of the PhD do not equal the losses endured monetarily and emotionally to achieve the doctorate degree. I have had wonderful experiences with university students as a TA, but as the future is so unstable it is hard to imagine myself teaching university students forever. And, I am sorry, but 15 thousand is never a living-wage, I don't care what anyone says to dispute that fact. Nor do I feel like dealing with other competitive academics in a professional manner. One of the worst experiences of grad school was dealing on a very daily basis with competitive grad students.I came into the grad school experience with a very utopian, UCHICAGO-mentality.... education is about listening and learning.... appreciating and valuing others' insight, trying your best and working on a daily basis to improve. Everyone else seemed to believe that education was all about one-upping, fuck enrichment and sharing. Fuck trying to answer questions or concerns about the readings we encountered. Let's tear this shit up and explain why we are so much better--- despite the author being a nobel laureate and a two-time Art and Sciences Academic award-winner. I always wondered.... why do people compete with one another? The subject matter we all deal in is completely at odds (I am one of five people who work on Cuba and within the Cubanists, none of us work on the same topic or time period... i.e. there is nothing to fight about... there is no fight! EVEN LESS SO BETWEEN A GERMANIST AND CUBANIST or AFRICANIST for that matter), and no one is writing on the same topic. It is wonderful that you have an article published, but your article reflects nothing on my non-article status and vice-versa. So why compete? I just don't understand. Isn't the goal finishing the dissertation? Focus on the dissertation. Please. Get done, get out. quickly.

Obviously, I am getting desperate to leave this incredibly dismal period in my life. Writing is just another word for isolation and, while, I appreciate my freedom-- no one else has as much freedom and so life as a grad student is really lonely. Hopefully, my cousin will read this posting and see my answer jumping from the page.... you have been warned!